Don’t run after your kids

Panic, it is what happens when the Nazis blitzkrieg their way through the Ardennes forest at Christmas of 1944, kicking off the Battle of the Bulge. Panic, it is also what happens when parents realize that their sweet little dears are fully engaged in being teenagers. What happens then? In war soldiers either retreat, surrender, or die. The same is true in families. A panicked parent will attempt to regain the path of happy parenthood; scurrying away in two different directions; both directions only increase the sense of panicky lostness. The first direction is to take away things: batten down the hatches, so to speak. Try to regain control and return the child to manageable childhood. It never works, the teenager will only resent the effort and resolve to manipulate the parents so that he gets back what was taken and provides sufficient suffering for the parent to show who is really in charge. The second direction follows closely upon the first. We parents start running after our teens hoping to be allowed to be the parent again; albeit at the discretion of the child. Although it might appear that our kids want us to cater to them, what they want most are parents—parents who know their roles and will provide a secure stability for them. Read the following letter from the late actor, Ricardo Montalban, to his son, and see if you get what I am suggesting:



Dear Son,

As long as you live in this house, you will follow the rules. When you have your own, you can make your own rules. In this house we do not have a democracy. I did not campaign to be your father. You did not vote for me. We are father and son by the grace of God, and I accept that privilege and awesome responsibility. In accepting it, I have an obligation to perform the role of a father. I am not your pal. Our ages are too different. We can share many things, but we are not pals. I also am your friend, but we are on entirely different levels. You will do in this house as I say and you must not question me because whatever I ask you to do is motivated by love. This will be hard for you to understand until you have a son of your own. Until then, trust me.

Your father



Montalban knows who he is and, more importantly, what his son needs. This is not a man who plays "take away" with his children to get them in line, nor is he one to try to win his son's friendship and approval by running after his son's whims. He is providing what his son needs most during those teen years: a dad who is a man and is steady in the storms of life. Give it a try!